Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
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