Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
