my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Every concussion has its silver lining
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
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