so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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