member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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