How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.