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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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