I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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