i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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