'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Randomize
