I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
