I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
