On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
