Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
