I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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