well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
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you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
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my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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