birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
