just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
