My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
