Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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