Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
