You were right. It hurts to walk today.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
