shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
