so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
