so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
