Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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