Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
