The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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