why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
