Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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