I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
