Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
