how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
