So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
she told me i tasted like america
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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