So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
