i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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