Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
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