I accidentally had phone sex last night
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
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