A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Randomize
