it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
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