Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Randomize
