the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Randomize
