Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
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