i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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