She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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