We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
