When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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