it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
