Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
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