im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
