We won't sleep together?
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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