I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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