When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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