I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
she looked like the before picture.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
