I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
