Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Randomize
