I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
